I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and he and I have agreed to embark on an experiment. About a year ago, we moved my anti-depressant to the morning from the evening, and I started having trouble remembering to take it. I did pretty well over the school year when I had a regular breakfast routine, but once this summer started and things weren't the same every morning, I started missing doses. I realized a few days ago that I hadn't taken my anti-depressant in three weeks, and that I was feeling absolutely fine. I thought about it some more, and I thought about the things that I have lost by going on these meds - my music, my poetry, my creativity, my sex drive, my ability to feel excited about things - and I decided that, after four years, perhaps it is time to give the meds a break and see how I do without them for a while. So when I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday, he seemed okay with this idea. We've stopped the anti-depressant at this point, and when I see him next in October, we'll look at weaning down my mood stabilizer, too.

I am naturally apprehensive about this. It took 27 long months of trial and error before we arrived at my current med combination. Stability has been hard won, and I consider it a blessing from God for which I give thanks every day. This is one of the places where my fellow bipolars and I have a little trouble with so-called "normies." A normie is someone who doesn't understand the huge head start he or she has been given, just by being able to start from a position of stability, rather than mania or depression. A normie just doesn't get how hard someone like me has to work to get to that same starting place. I've been blessed by being boosted to that starting place by modern medications. I hope and pray that I won't lose out on it by taking a break from the meds. I think I'm in a good place right now. I'm light-years ahead of where I was in 1997 and 1998 when I first received my diagnosis and spent six weeks in the hospital. Both my spiritual director and my former psychiatrist (who moved out of the area about six months ago) have told me that it's a joy to work with me because I'm very self-aware. I don't know whether I would ever be as self-aware as I am without having come through the episodes of bipolar (aka "the valley of shadow and death"). I have said many times that while I would not wish the suffering on anyone, I also would not trade the lessons I have learned from this illness for anything. So overall, I'm pretty confident that I can make it through this, and I know that I will call my doctor if I slip into an episode, either way, and need to go back on the meds. I'm stubborn, but I've learned that there are things outside my control that aren't worth beating my head on.

Right now, I'm not worried about going off the anti-depressant. My spotty record of taking it over the last few months, coupled with my lack of symptoms, indicates to me that I don't really need it at the moment. But in a few months, I may be asking you to pray with me as I wean myself off of the mood stabilizer. The fall and winter should certainly be interesting times!

Peace be with you!